When I was 13 I went on a “health kick”, but it was never about health. It was about control. I moved from Japan to boarding school in Sydney. I didn’t know where I fit in. I wanted to fit the country crowd, but felt I never could. I wanted to have my city friends, the group had changed. Boys from schools we had dances with heard I was “from Japan” + threw racial slur my way. In a small boarding school year, there was emotional bullying. A boarding mistress pulled me aside one eve + told me I’d never have the grace, beauty or intelligence of my 2 older sisters. It was tough. So, I looked for ways to take control of a situation where I felt greatly out of control. I decided to do a “health kick” + gave up chocolate, see how long I could go. It felt good, so the next food went, then the next, until I stripped my diet of anything deemed “unhealthy” + in my darkness, anything I thought “fattening”. Maybe, if I was very thin, then all these other things would go away. I could fit in. When I was focused on being “healthy” I felt control. So, it continued. A food eliminated here or there. No snacks. Food/weight journaling. Avoiding meal times. Drinking tea/coffee to stay “energised”. Exercise in secret. Tablets to eliminate food. Purging. Copious amounts of water. Sometimes DAYS without food. Multiple doctors, therapists, hospitals, clinics. Starving + feeling I could control it, was addictive. But the reality was, what I thought I had control of, was 💯 controlling me. My “health kick”, morphed into anorexia/bulimia. It stayed with me all throughout those years + chased me into my late 20’s. I share this, because many of you may have landed here seeing beautiful food + a positive, nourishing connection with it. I work hard at this because this is my past. If my lessons + education, can help others heal sooner or lay simple foundations in health + have an impact, then that’s the ultimate motivation for me to keep learning + sharing all I can with you.
